WAKE ME UP!

It was yet another ordinary day at work. I found myself listening to Nickelback’s ‘Rockstar,’ dreaming about living in hilltop houses and owning credit cards with no limits. Earlier this day, however, it was rather strange how I woke up.

I woke up panting, drenched in sweat. I looked around to see if there was someone to get me a glass of water. I struggled to fight back the feeling but there’s only so much I can do. Fear gripped me harder every minute and I felt the need to run. Away. Somewhere. Anywhere…

I heard a familiar voice just a few hours earlier. “Let me go. I have nothing to give you. Please. I have a family that depends on me, leave me alone.” Her head hung low. She begged for her life but perhaps she wasn’t convincing enough.

Another voice cried “Please don’t show this on television. My people might see this. My son is sensitive to blood, he would faint. Please don’t let him know I’m in pain. He’s too young. It’s in your hands to keep him out of this. I beg of you” the lady said. She was on a stretcher surrounded by people trying to help, and some trying to get her to talk about the incident.

The camera turned to a middle-aged man inside an ambulance. He had something more interesting to say. “I’m a regular walker and I was here taking my usual walks when suddenly, I heard them. There were a series of them, loud and clear. Between all the smoke and wreck, I saw people running in all directions. I rushed towards the exit but I guess by then it was too late.” He looked down at his leg.

The image was clear in my mind. The man looked fine, except he wore tattered clothes and probably couldn’t walk. Blood trickling down his leg, there was no way he could get himself back on feet anyway. He was, however, alive. He had a heart that still beat. For his family, as he’d perhaps like to think.

There was chaos. People had a million things to say, to the police, to the media, to each other. I heard them all but nothing made sense to me. Maybe they were people in pain but they weren’t people I knew. I care, but perhaps a lot less that I would otherwise. All I wanted to know was why I was bleeding to death.

Someone shook me so hard I could’ve died. “Get up, Archie! We’re getting late for work. The city is back to normal and they’ve assured us they’re taking measures to keep things under control. This is the last time, they’ve promised. They’ve tightened security and all too.”

“What happened and how did it happen? Who were they? Why did they do all that? What do they want? Complete intelligence failure, wasn’t it? Is there someone I can talk to? Is there someone who can answer? Is there someone? Can’t they do something about it? Can’t we do something about it? Let's call for war! Atleast we'll know what to expect?” I heard myself ask her, panic-stricken.

“This is why you should stop staying up late nights watching news channels. We’re safe, man! We were home when all this happened. We got back home soon as our folks informed us about the blasts, remember? We are just fine. We’re alive and we need to earn a living to stay alive, you know. Now can we get to work?,” she said with a look that meant “Cut the crap! We’re getting late for god’s sake!”

I don’t trust her, I don’t trust them, I don’t trust anyone. It hurts when I swallow. It’s the kind of pain that suffocates me. The sort that aches at places I never knew existed within me. Some sort of wound I’ve never experienced before. The sort I’m being forced to live with. The sort I cannot word. I can’t make this pain go away. I can’t get used to this.

I woke up panting, drenched in sweat. I looked around to see if there was someone to get me a glass of water. I struggled to fight back the feeling but there’s only so much I can do. Fear gripped me harder every minute and I felt the need to run. Away. Somewhere. Anywhere…

WTH? It's my business!

It was half past seven and dad confirmed for the umpteenth time that the flight was on time. After a lot of thought, and weighing pros and cons, I decided to keep my white lacy top and tossed the peach tank top back in my closet. I packed my bags and weighed them one last time. Twenty three kilos. Perfect.

Just then my phone rang. I’d decided to wind up all my 'hi-just-dropped-in-to-say-bye,’ ‘oh-I’m-so-gonna-miss-you-too’ and ‘do-you-really-have-to-go’ phone calls the previous night. I’d have loved to take that one more call but damn my neighbor who hurried me up coz she was worried I might miss my flight. I bid my goodbyes to these neighbors. Each one had a hundred things to say and a million phone numbers to exchange. Relatives’, cousins’, friends’, family friends'. Pretended to save a few, saved few.

Grandma’s blessings time. I knew this was going to be an emotional moment. She has been my most favorite human being on earth. I grew up listening to her stories, some made up, some her own. I’ve loved them all. The way she thought of her brother’s family every time she wore her lifetime-warranty eye glasses that he’d gifted her. Old people have a photographic memory. They keep track of who gifted who, what and when. Little things mean so much to them.

I knew she may not be the same by the time I will have returned. One tooth less is also some change.

Miss mushy did not have the nerves to look her grandma in the eye. She decided to hug her so tight, she couldn’t say any more of "Be a good girl there. Mommy and Daddy won’t be there doesn’t mean...Come back soon. Your granny’s growing old."

I thumped down the stairs and sat in the car. My folks squeezed in from either sides. It’s funny how we make it evident that we’ve stuck together through thick and thin. We did, and we may not intend to show it but I guess it shows. They cross-talked about various topics on a priority basis. Staying safe, not wandering around late evenings, breakfast on time, picking up phone calls, calling back, blah blah.

My evil twin did some talking too. No more taking permissions, late night movies, sleepovers, sneaking out, rave parties, etc. Don’t listen to them, think, have fun!

"Y-Y-Yes papa. I’m not going to wander around at mid-nights. No parties what-so-ever. I will not skip breakfast, ma. And I’ll take your calls, sissy!" C’mon now. We’re family and they love me unconditionally! I’d stayed out of home earlier too but it was different then. There were people, guardians, to take care of me. This time I was traveling alone. And on business. I most definitely liked the sound of it but you know it does take a lot to live up to it.

I tried to explain all this but my grumpy evil twin turned her back on me and disappeared. I’ll call her when I need her, I thought.

My school friends surprised me by showing up at the airport. And they gave me the exact things I hoped they wouldn’t, chocolates and movies. With school friends, I've always been a kid. "I’m going to the US this month to do my masters. I won’t be here by the time you come back," one said, punching me in the stomach. "Me too, next month," said another. "Aren’t you ever gonna come back?," I asked hopelessly. "Not till you’re in your mid thirties."

I couldn’t help but think of the last time I got too busy for their phone calls, msgs, scraps to tell me they were meeting up. I mumbled how I was stuck making this presentation for a project I was working on and suddenly, we hugged. I felt better. "Good luck. We’ll keep in touch."

Boarding pass, cabin luggage, security checks, one last waving goodbye to people I loved the most, all behind the glass door, and I boarded the flight.

I thought of all the things I’d be leaving behind, of all the people I’m going to miss and of all the people I’ve taken for granted over the years. It’s a matter of a couple of months, but things change. Beyond doubt, they do. I know it, I’ve seen it. If only they’d remain exactly where I’ve left them...

It was an almost smooth take off, a lot of turbulence, messed up orders at breakfast, and one level below crash land. ‘Thank you for flying Jet Airways. We hope you enjoy your stay in Delhi.’ After a lot of wrestling with my seat belt and co-passengers, I managed to free my luggage and myself. I gave the nearest air hostess a disgusted look, and she gave me back one. Save yourself! The journey had just begun.

Papa vs Me!

SCHOOL

Daddy: Good evening, little princess. How has your day been so far?

Me: Good evening, papa! I don't like going to school with that big belly uncle's son. No one talks to me when I'm with him.

Daddy: It's a new place, dear. It's going to be great soon. Trust me. How do you like your classmates? Made friends?

Me: The girls are nice, papa. They're really helpful and so much fun. But I don't like the boys. They tease me with other boys.

Daddy: I'm sure they are. Be good to the boys, and you'll make some really good friends even before you know it.

Me: Yeah papa. But I wanted to be in a girls’ school. The girls there wear short skirts to school. And they don't like boys. Just like me.

Daddy: You can wear your favorite clothes to your dance and tennis classes, dear. Now cheer up!

Me: Ok, papa. But when I grow up, I want to be in a girls’ college ok? Promise?


JUNIOR COLLEGE

Daddy: Hello, sweetheart! How you doing today?

Me: Hey, papa! I'm good. How are you?

Daddy: Never better. So you like your junior college?

Me: Yeah, papa! Pretty much. But why did you put me in an all girls’ college? There are about a hundred in my class!

Daddy: I thought you wanted to be in one. Besides, that's one of the best colleges for the course you said you’d like to take up, dear. You've got to chase your dreams, right?

Me: Hmm.. maybe I do. But it's boring! I don't even feel like wearing my new clothes or getting dressed up.

Daddy: It's ok, dear. You can wear them to parties or when you are out with your friends.

Me: Yeah. But I miss my school friends, papa. We had so much fun!

Daddy: You still can go meet them on weekends.

Me: Yeah, ok. But I don't want to be in a girls’ college anymore. They gossip a lot. About boys.


COLLEGE

Daddy: Hello, my lady. Someone's growing up really quickly! An engineer in the making, I see?

Me: Hey dad! Howz u? Yup! Engineering it is! I like the subjects, but I don't really like my classmates.

Daddy: Why not? You wanted to be in a good, co-ed college. I did my bit of research. This one's ranked second in academics here.

Me: C'mon dad! Don't get started now! I thought they'll be fun. My classmates look horrible and speak some language I don't understand.

Daddy: You still are an engineer and I still am proud of you, dear. You've got to overlook a few things in life and learn to be accommodative.

Me: But my college sucks! I wanted to stay in a hostel and study in another city.

Daddy: We would’ve missed you but that didn't stop us from letting you go, did it? You chose to stay back, didn't you?

Me: Hmm.. yeah! Er.. Dad, but there are cuter guys in other colleges :(

Daddy: Now I know where you coming from. It’s too early! Concentrate on your studies, and things will fall in place.


WORK

Daddy: Hello, miss independent. How is work?

Me: Hey papa! Work's good. So did you sign the deal with that firm finally?

Daddy: Yes, we did! My dream is to give you the best in life, a husband, a lavish wedding, a home, a car.. So did you find someone interesting yet?

Me: C'mon, papa! It’s too early! I'm going to do my masters!

And.. I grew up

I smiled once, maybe twice. Morning flowers beamed at me. We bonded, over innocence. The sun was the brightest my eyes had seen. I missed the darkness, I cried.

I was new. I knew no one. I wanted to speak, but didn't know how. There were people, people I'd never seen. I was scared; helpless. I cried, again. I hated them, but they loved me. She had been holding my tiny little finger all this while. I felt it. I was just a baby. She looked beautiful, and she was. Her eyes looked adorable when she cried. I made her cry. She knew my language. I owe her one for that, I thought. I wanted to grow up to be like her. I wondered how I looked.

I was ten. Flowers smiled and the sun did shine bright. He knew I did not like him but shared his light with me. He made a face. I did not miss the darkness. I loved my life, my freedom. I was a kid, and I was proud of it. I did not behave, I was excused. I loved the phase. Every bit of it. I was beginning to look beautiful. I felt it. I loved, they loved back. I made her cry to see how beautifully she cries. I broke a few promises. I'll make up for them when I grow up. I will, I promise.

I was twenty. I noticed the flowers didn't smile anymore. There was no innocence to bond over. I wasn't sure who changed, or what did. The sun gave me a cold shoulder. I knew he had been holding it. Planning it. Venting it. But I did not go back to the darkness. I didn't care. It was still about me, my life, my wish. I loved, and I hated. A few loved back. I broke no more promises. I hadn't bothered to make any. I had not grown up. Not yet. I needed time. I needed space. Just a little bit more. I looked beautiful and I knew it. I still made her cry. But she had kept her promises. She had held my hand, I did not. I loved her. But I did not want to be like her.

Twenty odd years. The flowers are forgotten but the sun is not, for its revenge is long overdue. I love. I hate. They only hate back. I make promises I cant keep and so do they. I still love her and she still loves me back. It is about me, my life, my wish. It always was. Is. Should be. My time's up, and I'm a grown up. I miss the darkness, but I cannot cry.