Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Alter ego

You are my pastor and my confession. 

A distraction and a redirection. 

A cut and a suture.

Tell me this, my love,

When it's time, would you save my life or take it?  

When it's time, would you redeem me or imprison? 

When it's time, would you run to me or away?  

I don't know until it's time and neither do you. 

But I know this and I know you do too,

We heal each other as we tear apart. 

And we'll be here for each other long after our souls depart :)


Sunday, February 27, 2022

To Sis, With Love!

I Miss:

1. Wearing your clothes

2. Dressing you up
3. Asking you how I look until you say "AWESOME" and the like

4. Fighting over the last piece of chocolate

5. Having you try one of the two tops I'm confused about picking

6. Modeling while you wait outside the trial room

7. Buying you gifts that I can use and eventually take back

8. Trading my shoes for your wardrobe

9. Getting my nails painted by you

10. Keeping up with your age. Phew!

11. Growing up with you

12. Randomly taking mom's side while you take dad's

13. Complaining to mommy when you're on the phone all night ;)

14. Trying cheap cosmetics on you

15. Yapping over adjacent restrooms at the mall

16. Blaming it on you

17. Taking pix in front of restroom mirrors

18. Waking you up at nights to help me sneak back into the house!

19. Hiding your books before your exams

20. Tickling you when you're angry x-(

21. Yelling at you and shedding tears in self defense before mom yells back at me for yelling at you. Arghhh!

22. Lecturing you on road safety while driving you around the city with music on full volume

23. Taking a super long shower when you're getting late to go somewhere

24. Staring at you with hands on my waist

25. Teaching you what I've learnt wrong :/

26. Sounding to you like I have it all figured out!

27. Pretending to take phone calls and leaving you stranded with boring guests

28. Singing with you when granny tells our guests that we learnt Carnatic music!

29. Having a 4 AM friend

30. YOU :-(

Thursday, June 13, 2019

A Mother Like No Other!





Women are incredibly strong. Often times, some women's stories gather more support and sympathy than those who make the same sacrifices in silence because not all lives are in the limelight or demand the same degree of attention. Women are often held to unreasonable expectations because for centuries, we have lived up to them. I am a believer of rebelling those expectations since I neither have the grit nor the desire to please. As for the overshadowed lives of women that raise the bar with no intentions to do so, their tales ought to be told. 

There are stories you can share with the world and some that you take to the grave with you. My mother has seen them both and with great courage. Silent battles that don't make it to a blog are the hardest to fight since there is neither an outlet for expressions nor a call for empathy or support. 

I know a lot of different kinds of mothers, including myself, who make sacrifices for our families. Over time, these sacrifices manifest into self-pity, or in some cases, self-care by means of investing in our own interests and the strong will to do what we like that makes us happy - travel, shopping, treachery or whatever else we as women desire to compensate for our sacrifices.  

My mother was 9 years old when she witnessed her mother's horrific fire accident. She had nowhere to run because this happened at home, in the kitchen. 90% of my grandmother's body was burned, but she survived. She was a fighter with a strong will to live for her four children. 

While my grandma recovered, the onus of taking care of the family was on my mother. She cooked her first meal for the family on the same day that she watched the kitchen blow up. The incident scarred her innocent heart and left behind a memory forever but she was left with no choice but to be brave enough to enter the cursed kitchen that tried to kill her mother. 

She grew up in a financial crunch, always sacrificing her portion sizes to her younger siblings at meal times. She loved them deeply and cared for them like a mother. In her early twenties, she birthed her daughters and became a mother all over again, continuing to do what she did, for a different set of humans now. 

Like most teenagers, I was a wreck and showed no love or affection towards my parents. She tried to mend my ways with more love, expecting absolutely nothing in return. I enjoyed taking them for granted. I came home to ask dad for more money and for my laundry to be washed and folded by my ever loving mother. 

They got me married at age 24 (24 is the magic number!) and my husband and I continued to enjoy the same lifestyle, at the expense of my parents in our formative years. They gave us a car, jewels, a gala wedding and paid for shopping long after I had moved out. My mother took on the additional responsibility of sorting out my marital grievances, stepping in and bridging the gap in the love that suddenly seemed inadequate as a newly married woman in an entirely different family. 

She continued to care for my sister, father, and my aging paternal grandmother. She was a great daughter to my grandmother. She performed her duties meticulously from dawn to dusk while the rest of the family was away at work, studying, or just dining out with friends. It exhausted her, but she did it anyway. My grandmother was loved by everyone and she had the highest regards for my mother so the love was finally returned to my mother through goodwill. 

A few years later, I needed my mother again, more than ever. My husband and I decided to start a family far away from habitat - in the suburbs of America. She was elated with the news of becoming a grandmom and planned to live with us for as long as we wanted her support. She became our only support system. We relied on her for everything from food to parenting advice. 

My uncle, my mother's brother was battling illness throughout my pregnancy and a few weeks after I had delivered my daughter, he passed away. My mother celebrated the birth of a daughter with her daughter and mourned the loss of a son with her mother at the same time. She took care of me and my maternal grandma like we were the newborns, feeding us, bathing us, counseling us, and giving us the strength to adjust to our new lives. 

She continues to endure pain and emerge stronger every day, with great love. I've often wondered if she has ever wanted anything for herself and then I remember - she is a mother like no other

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Happy Birthday Mommy!





Distance has grown leaving us behind,
For it has been a while since we hugged,
Your little girl needs her mommy,
When she is not living your life, on rewind.

You are who creates our bubble, our knight,
Saving us from the darkness outside thus,
But fighting your wars without an armor, ma?
Why didn’t you think of you before you thought of us?

You are my baby, as we grow old,
Funny how the clock reverses roles,
Making you me, and me, you,
But I can only want to be you, truth be told.

There in your battles so silent, the songs you sing,
Is the love that has seen it all,
I say what you mean - I love you, ma.
Because you too are my everything.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

The Only Thing In Common

(In Telugu) Conversation with Neighbor 1 : 

"Are you from Andhra?"

No.

"You look like a Telugu and you speak Telugu so I thought Andhra."

I am a Tamilian, aunty.

"Oh, Tamil Nadu. What is so good about Tamil that you refuse to speak other languages? It is so hard to talk to you people."

Sorry about that. Do you speak other languages? 

"No no. We are from Visakapatnam. Everyone speaks Telugu there. By the way, I made sambar for lunch. Even your Sambar is very different from ours. Anyway, it is always good to meet other Indians. You are a hindu only, no?"

(In Hindi) Conversation with Neighbor 2 :

"Where in the North are you from?"

I am from the South, actually. 

"Really? You look like a north Indian and you speak hindi. That's why I started talking to you."

Nice talking to you too. I am from Andhra Pradesh. 

"Accha, Madrasi. Why don't you people learn Hindi there? That's why we never talk to Madrasis."

Yeah, you can call me that. Do you speak any other language? 

"In Ranchi only Hindi people live. You South Indians drink coffee and we only have Chai at home. So let me bring you some water. After all, we are Indians in a foreign land."

(In Tamil) Conversation with Neighbor 3 :

"So you are a Tamilian?"

Yes. 

You look like a Tamilian but your tamil sounds different. What did you have for breakfast? Pongal or Upma?

Well, I was raised in Hyderabad but I had a sandwich. 

"Oh, Hyderabad. Goltis. Even if we talk to them in English, they reply in their language. Guess you don't drink filter coffee anymore then? Our Indian culture is dying. We're all becoming Americans in this country."

(In English) Conversation with Neighbor 4 :

"So where are you from?"

India.

"OMG India! I've heard so much about your gorgeous country. There are so many different cultures, religions, languages and you all live in such unity! And wow you're an Indian but you speak English so well.

What do you mean? We Indians speak a lot of different languages, including English. 

I mean, the Italians mostly speak Italian. The Chinese speak Chinese. I'm so glad you speak English. I feel like I finally found a neighbor that I can talk to!

You bet! I'm really glad you speak English too, although that's probably the only language you speak. 

Yeah, we Americans! But I love Indian food - Dosa, Naan and curry. I make Naan and Paneer sometimes. I'm sure you're a better cook but I'd love for you to try mine sometime."

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Words In My Eyes


When my tongue cannot say what my heart can feel, 

Tears roll down my cheeks until words can heal;

To take me to that place where nothing is bled, 

A place in heaven where the heart is, but dead; 

For where there is no love, there is no more fear, 

And where there is no heart, there is not a tear. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Jumbled Priorities

It's funny how priorities re-arrange themselves every 5 years, only to form a bell curve. Except, they change their meaning over time.

At 5: Family --> New Games --> New Friends --> New Learning

At 10: New Games --> New Learning --> New Friends --> Family

At 15: New Learning --> New Friends --> Family --> Old Games

At 20: New Games --> New Learning --> New Friends --> Family

At 25: New Family --> New Games --> Old Friends --> New Learning